Letting go of Grief

Valuable though the following self-help approach is, you will be far more effective if you have worked your way through, at the very least, the exercises contained in the 2nd. Chakra section of the emotional body. Especially the one to do when overwhelmed with emotion

You are in grief and the months go by.

There is so much you could have said, yet never did.  You are perhaps physically starting to stiffen up, and small maladies are starting to affect your physical body, or if already there, getting worse.

If you can see yourself in some of the above, the following exercise may well be extremely helpful.

If possible, find a photo of the person, should you not have one it won’t matter for you will rely on your memory. Set up a little shrine somewhere in your home where you can sit nearby to write.

On this shrine, light up a few candles and place the photo in the centre. Keep the candles burning until such time as you feel that your process is complete.

You will now sit near the shine and write, give yourself a good few hours, the longer, the better, come back the next day, and the one after, for as long as it takes. Should it take you a week or longer, so be it. – You are worth it.

If you have ever wounded yourself and some grit or a foreign object has remained inside the crusting (and probably suppurating) wound, then you will appreciate the importance of reopening the wound, spotlessly cleaning it, and then allowing the wound to crust and continue healing once more.

Bringing the person into your mind’s eye, you will now have a direct conversation in the present tense, as though they are alive and in front of you, on paper.

Write and express, all your negative emotions, your blames, resentments, hates, fears, anger, envy, grief, sadness, neediness, your longings … for example: Why don’t you love me? Why don’t you notice me? Why am I not good enough for you?  Etc.,

Leave nothing out, write for as long as it takes, the wound must be cleansed of all poisons.

When you are clear that you have fully expressed all your emotions, write his/her response to you. Imagine that the subject of your loss has heard everything that you have written so far.

Now you be this person and let them express themselves as to their behaviour and their reasons for such behaviour. Then allow them to share how they truly feel about you, and accept their apologies if sincerely given.

You may have reached an impasse, in that their behaviour may have been unacceptable to yourself, and yet you now recognize that they meant well, but were the victims of their own upbringing, limiting their option of behaviour and emotional expression.

Try this for size, say to them. “Without condoning your behaviour, I completely and utterly forgive you from the bottom of my heart”. You might want to write this a few times. Then ask yourself, have I truly forgiven? Be honest, if you allow the crust to develop over such a wound, it will heal with poison still inside.

Often we struggle to forgive because we feel we were the victim, being a victim is a strange place. By definition, we are powerless.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Being a victim is an addictive emotional state.

We nurture ‘the sensation’, there is a perverse sense of righteousness that justifies the hate, and resentment, the emotions are like little charcoal embers that we deliberately keep alive by blowing on them, in the nebulous thought, that the other may suffer from guilt or remorse.

And yet, all we do is carry a toxic wound around with us, colouring all our relationships. 

The time has come to truly forgive. They are human and fallible, just like you….Write it all out.

Grief has a special place. With grief -write about your loss, how you miss them, and how you have been left behind. How …..You, You, You.

Grief has little to do with the loved one that has died. Rather it is about the effect on your life, your loss without them. You may have lost others before, if so, bring them into your conversation

. Write until you are completely clear that your grief is about you. Your emotions are totally acceptable.

You want to write your way to a point where you feel the love of your partner/ sibling/friend for you, and in accepting it, you feel the love for yourself.

You want to write to the point where your love for the person is more immediate than their love for you, for true Love is about giving, in such a place receiving is automatic.   True love wants what is best for others. And what is best for your departed one is to be let go of, to move on.

Write – I completely and utterly love and accept myself….. How true is this?

Once you have truly spent yourself and let go of all negative emotions, and you are left with love and acceptance of who they were, and that your emotions and needs were holding them back, go to the candles and say.

” With my Love filled Heart, I thank you for having been a part of my life”, or other loving words that may feel more appropriate to you, when you are sure, blow the candles out and say “I release you from my bond to you”.

If you have been struggling with the above exercise, do the next two of ‘who am I‘ and ‘acceptance‘ then come back to grief, for need and love are not the same, we cannot love others when we dislike, feel sorry for or even hate ourselves.

Next: Meditation, Who Am I?